Eternal September
by Lord Cellytron
Summary: The internet may not be big enough to hold King Julien's ego! When he comes into possession of a laptop, he does more than just steal the penguins' bandwidth. This is what early internet pioneers dreaded. COMPLETE!


**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

_So I was minding my own business one night and I noticed that someone had tapped into my wireless network (which I've named Kowalski :D) without my permission. I've had DSL for 3 years and in that time, only one person has bothered trying to steal my internet. Makes you wonder._

_The culprit turned out to be one "TIFFANY_LAPTOP", presumably my next door neighbor and her laptop. (Yes, if you're reading this, TIFFANY_LAPTOP, I'm on to you!)_

_I was then in the kitchen, washing the dishes, and a scenario popped into my head in which Julien got his hands on a laptop and started stealing the penguins' internet (kind of like he did with their food and TV in "Launchtime"). It cracked me up, and I had to write it._

_The title of the fic, and Kowalski's reflections on his old computer (named Tiffany as a dedication to the bandwidth thief who inspired the fic in the first place) refer to an event from the early 90s known as Eternal September, in which Usenet became available to AOL users, thus the "purity" of the early online newsgroups was forever corrupted by casual internet users. Julien here sort of represents the masses who have flooded the intertubes since then (I of course include myself in this! I didn't get online until 1999 and barely know what a newsgroup is), someone for whom the internet is mostly a pretty toy, devoid of any real soul and substance._

* * *

A high end netbook in a vibrant cerulean hue. No doubt some human's pride and joy, at least until it was carelessly left on the zoo grounds one Friday afternoon, on a bench right outside the lemur habitat.

Its relentlessly gorgeous gleaming shell was what entranced the king of the lemurs; surely here was some fantastic, priceless jewel gifted to him by the sky spirits themselves, as a reward for doing such a fine job as king.

The sky spirits certainly knew how to shop.

"Maurice!" Julien called, clapping his hands impatiently. "Get over here, will you, and haul over to me the fine jewel so that it can be accenting my beauty, as the sky spirits intended!"

"Say again?" Maurice mumbled.

"No! You heard me the first time. My patience is thinning! Now run over and procure the shininess of the jewel before it is pilfered by thieves!"

Maurice peered over the wall, frowning.

"I don't see any jewel. All I see is that laptop. Someone was using it all afternoon. She must have left it behind."

"Lap top, you are saying? The only lap it is fit to be topping is the lap of me, your king. And since it looks very heavy, I choose not to top my lap with it. The sky spirits will understand."

"Uh huh. So, you want me to go bust my tail-"

"Yes."

"Dragging that humongous thing back here-"

"Mm-hmm."

"Even though it doesn't belong to you-"

"Yup."

"And none of us know how to use it-"

"Stop it, Maurice! I am ready to burst with anticipation! Bring it! Bring it to me now! Quick! Before I burst! Whoa! Here I go! I am bursting! Go, Maurice! Go!"

* * *

"Ah! It is even more beauteous in the person!" Julien cried. "And light as a feather. Look, Maurice! I can balance it on one finger--"

The laptop crashed to the ground.

"Ah, well, it would have made a tacky ring, anyway."

Maurice shook his head.

"Your Majesty, I already told you. It's not a jewel. It's a laptop. It's a computer!"

Julien scowled.

"Maurice, it has become clear to me that you are taking your king for a fool!"

Maurice hesitated.

"What? No... Of... course I'm not," he said unconvincingly.

"You are, and it is now my turn to set the straightness to you. How can this be a computer when it has no glass windowy thingy to watch on? There is no board of tappy to make the words with. And most importantly, there is no rat thing on a string to make the little arrowy thing make the clickies. I know you have trouble with my technical jargon, Maurice, but trust me. I know my computers and this is not one of them."

Maurice sighed.

"Fine, fine. Where do you want it, then?"

"Upon the royal throne of me! I have decided that it is worthy of being a platform upon which shall rest my kingly bottom."

Maurice cringed.

"Your majesty, it's really not a good idea to sit on these things. They're very fragile."

"Oh, is that so? Are you calling my booty big?! Too big to utilize the comfort of the sky spirit cushion?!"

"I'm just saying--"

Mort appeared, transfixed by the laptop.

"Ooooh! What is this?" the small lemur murmured, his eyes large and glittery. He extended a tentative finger to the glittering surface.

Julien let out a shriek.

"Mort! Get back! You will not befoul my fine loot with your grubby little hands! There's no telling where you've been! Maurice, quick! Take it away before he ruins it forever with his grossness!"

Maurice sighed and hoisted the laptop onto his back. Mort followed him closely, utterly hypnotized by the magnificent machine.

"Get a move on! What are you waiting for!" Julien snapped.

Maurice had to stop a moment to catch his breath. Mort stopped too, naturally.

"Sorry, Your Majesty. It's heavier than it... looks..."

Maurice took a step, unaware of the fact that Mort was standing on his tail. He discovered this fact too late, and he face planted onto the ground, losing his grip on the laptop.

Impact was not kind to the unwitting PC, and as it landed, it opened, revealing its delicate keyboard and a display panel which lit up as the system came out of standby mode.

Julien screamed.

"Maurice! What have you done?!"

"Mort!" Maurice snarled, but Mort was already in front of the computer, poking it with the same curious finger as before.

"It's broken!" Julien moaned. "You have broken it in half, Maurice! Do not come near me! I don't want to catch any of the wrath the sky spirits surely have for you!"

Maurice rubbed his shoulder.

"Your Majesty, it's like I told you. It's supposed to do that. This is a computer. Look. There's the screen. There's the keyboard."

The monitor now showed a beautiful photograph of rolling hills and an old cabin.

Julien frowned, deep in thought.

"Can it be so? The sky spirits have cleverly concealed this magic kingly computer machine inside the jewel bottom rest?"

He tiptoed up to the keyboard and hit the Windows key. The start menu popped up.

Mort shrieked.

"He has the magic touch!"

"Of course I do," Julien replied smugly. "You say that as though there was some doubt. You know I don't like that."

Mort blinked back tears, and Maurice sat down in front of the keyboard.

"Eh, what is it that you think you are doing with my magical king computer?" Julien demanded.

"Just checking it out. I've never seen one of these babies up close."

"Checking what out? Should not it be I that is doing the checking out?!"

"Your Majesty, these things are tricky. You might accidentally--"

"You act as though I do not know how to computer, Maurice! Surely you know better. Now step aside, and behold the master at work."

Maurice sighed and stood up. Julien took his place. He leaned over the keyboard, fingers on the home row.

A moment went by. Then another. Then another.

"Eh, Maurice? How do you work this thingy anyway?"

"Well, what do you want to do?"

Julien whirled around, a devious grin on his face.

"Everything!"

* * *

"The coast is clear, Skipper!" Private announced from the doorway of the zoo's administrative office. Rico nodded his agreement.

Across the room, Skipper and Kowalski stood before the zoo's antiquated computer terminal. Kowalski was leaned over the keyboard, tapping out half-remembered and mostly guessed at commands. Skipper held the computer mouse in his wings like a weapon.

Private hopped onto the desk, joining them, while Rico took a lookout position in the window.

"Status report!" Skipper barked, swinging the mouse around by its cord like a mace.

"I'm in!" Kowalski exclaimed. The three penguins stared at the flickering monitor. A browser window popped up, displaying a search engine.

"Alright, first things first," Skipper said. "What is the name of that thing on the end of a shoelace? It's been driving me crazy. Look that up for me, would you?"

"I'm on it, Skipper," Kowalski nodded.

"Ooh! Wait, Skipper! I know this one!" Private cried.

"You do?" Skipper raised an eyebrow.

"It's called an aglet, or aiglet. It comes from Old French 'aguillette' (or 'aiguillette'), which is the diminutive of 'aguille' (or 'aiguilee'), meaning 'needle'."

Skipper shuddered at the mention of needles. Kowalski snorted, but said nothing.

"Well, uh… that was pretty much all I wanted the computer for. I guess, uh… I'm done," Skipper shrugged. "What about you men?"

Kowalski shook his head.

"I'm, ah, not exactly a fan of the internet, Skipper."

Private's eyes widened.

"You, Kowalski?! Not a fan of the internet?! That goes against everything I thought I knew about you."

Skipper rolled his eyes.

"Oh, jeez, it's not… Not that _Eternal September_ thing again. Really? Still?! It's been sixteen years."

Kowalski set his jaw.

"Those mass market simpletons completely ruined the _Quantum Leap_ newsgroup for me. I can't forgive that so easily."

"Well, looks like it's all yours, Private. Unless Rico wants to look at more of those doll pictures," Skipper raised an eyebrow at Rico, who shook his head emphatically. "Ooh, sounds like trouble in paradise. I feel your pain, Rico. I feel your pain. So, what'll it be, Private? Weapon schematics? Video tutorials for how to kill a man using only sepia colored pencil and saliva? Maybe a little hacking? I hear the Pentagon put up a new firewall. They're so cute when they try to keep us out, aren't they?"

"Well, actually, Skipper, I, er, thought, maybe… we could play a little online solitaire?" Private said, grinning sheepishly.

Skipper raised an eyebrow.

"Solitaire? On a computer? When you've got a perfectly good deck of cards? Private, the internet is not a toy! This system is to be used for official business only! And last I checked, solitaire doesn't exactly fit the bill."

Private sighed.

"Alright, how about if we compromise? Minesweeper?"

Skipper smiled proudly.

"Now, _that_, Private, is how you negotiate. Kowalski, commence operation click on the little boxes and don't blow yourself up!"

"Ah, Skipper, there will be a brief delay."

"What's the hold up?"

"Unknown. I can't get the page to load. Yet the connection is active. It's almost as if all the bandwidth is being rerouted to another system!"

"Another system?" Skipper's eyes narrowed. "But that's impossible! I think. Right?"

Kowalski shook his head.

"Ah, well, not exactly. The zoo does have a public network, over my strenuous and unheeded objections, of course. Even so, the zoo's connection is fast enough that for something like this to happen is a feat of herculean bandwidth hogging proportions!"

"I don't like this. Find out who that hog is, pronto!"

* * *

"Yes! Yes! Look at me and my utterly fabulous camera webbing skills!" Julien cried. His image, albeit pixelated and blurred, appeared on the screen. "It is doing all that I am doing! It is possible that this computing web machine knows me better than I know myself. See, I did not know I was going to blink just now. Yet there I blink, on the screen, for all to see."

None of the three lemurs exactly understood the concept of the webcam, Mort least of all. He leapt in front of the tiny built in camera lens, his face contorting into an expression of horror.

"I am getting weirded out, Maurice," Julien whispered.

"Okay, so, let's turn the camera off. Your download is ready, anyway."

"Yes! Soon it will be I, King Julien, that is the king also of this world of the war type crafts! Booty it up, Maurice!"

Maurice hunted and pecked through the installation of a trial version of an MMORPG.

He stopped suddenly.

"Uh oh, I think it wants a credit card number."

"It shall not get it! Where I am coming from, free 14 day trial means free! Free! Not giving a credit card and cancelling before the trial is up! You have my royal permission to lay down a verbal smacking onto the insolent computer, Maurice."

"Uh, okay."

"Thieving of the identity is not a matter to be lightly taken! I should know."

"Well, it won't let me click 'next'."

"Oh, is that so? And just who does it think it is? Ha ha! Look at me! I now am clicking the next! And how can it stop me?! La la la la la! Next next next next! Next! Eh, why does nothing happen?"

"It wants a credit card number."

Julien let out a sharp breath and shook his head.

"It has me right where it wants me. For I have seen the commercials with the aged rocking star promoting the fanciful world of the online game. I want that world to be within my grasp. But badly enough to give to it my valuable personal information? I do not know."

"So what are we gonna do?" Maurice asked.

"We will wait! Let the computer machine sweat a little. Do you see?! Ha ha! Already it is sweating!" He pointed to a puddle on the keyboard.

"Uh, actually, that's from Mort spilling his drink, like I warned him not to do!" Maurice wiped up the sticky mess, glaring at the small lemur. Mort's ears drooped.

"Mort! You shall not be spilling any of the fizzy beverages anywhere near the computer! A little thirst may be just what it takes to change his mind about the credit card," Julien laughed evilly.

"Okay," Mort complacently took another sip. "Can we watch movie now?"

"Yes! That is what we shall do! After all, we have downloaded 400 of them!" Julien laughed. "Imagine it, Maurice. Never again will we have to wait for another movie to come on the television. Never again will we have to walk all the way over to the penguins' habitat to watch movies infested with the advertising, and endure the endless bad mojo of the whining penguins as well! All the best Hollywood has to offer is now ours! Forever! Maurice! I am a-quiver with anticipation!"

"Which movie should we watch?"

"Be surprising me! I am sensing in our future one of those all night marathon type movie viewing experiences! Mort, I am warning you in advance, you shall be my tissue during the tearjerkers."

Mort's eyes lit up.

"I'm a tissue!" he squealed, fluffing his tail for extra absorbency.

Maurice double clicked on the icon for Seduction_and_, the poignant cinematic tale of love won and love lost.

"Ooh!" Julien cried. "I can hardly wait! And Maurice, while the movie is playing, download to me one of those, eh, you know what I'm talking about. "He snapped his fingers.

"Uh, sure," Maurice shrugged, having no idea what Julien was talking about.

"Now where is the movie?!"

"It's coming, it's coming," Maurice muttered. "Sure is taking a long time. Maybe I better click it again."

"Click it twice, Maurice. Let it know that it is business we mean! It will not lay down on the job when I'm around!"

A moment later, three separate media player windows popped up. The speaker volume was turned up all the way, and three separate instances of the same movie began blaring at maximum volume.

"Make it stop, Maurice! Make it stop!" Julien screamed.

"Uh, uh… okay, just… give me a second… uh…" Maurice hit a random key. The media player skipped ahead in the foreground instance to the middle of the movie, where a man and woman were passionately kissing in front of a sunset. The two background instances remained at the beginning of the movie.

"No! Ah! Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert!" Julien covered his eyes. "Stop! Turn it off before you ruin the entire movie for me!"

"Okay, don't worry, I got this—" he pressed another key. Suddenly, a screenshot of the passionate kiss replaced the wallpaper. "No, I guess that wasn't it."

"Maurice!"

Mort, meanwhile, had begun sobbing. The love scene was so _beautiful._

"I need a tissue!" Mort wailed. "Who will be my tissue?! I have no tissue!"

Maurice hit another key. The aspect ratio of the foreground instance changed from 16:9 to 1:1. The lovers became horribly distorted.

"Ahh! You have crushified them!" Julien screamed.

Another key, and the compressed image filled the entire screen.

"Now it is massive and crushified!"

Suddenly, the system ran out of memory, and the audio track began skipping. The video freeze-framed just as the man was sliding the woman's dress off her shoulder in a fit of passion. A moment later, the screen turned blue and flooded with white text, and then went blank.

Julien let out a primal scream.

"No! No! Maurice, you have killed it! Ahh! My one chance at truly becoming part of the interweb revolution, and now it is gone forever! How am I now to be having my blog? Who will I get on my soapbox to about political issues now?"

"What political issues?"

"You see?! Now we shall never know!"

* * *

"Odd…" Kowalski said. "It's gone."

"What's gone?" Private asked.

"While monitoring the connection, I momentarily detected another system accessing the network. Judging by the icon, it was a portable device of some kind. Now it appears to be gone."

Skipper took a deep breath.

"Men, we don't know what we're dealing with. And I mean that in an entirely literal sense. I don't even know how to turn this blasted thing on. I once used the CD drive as a cup holder. Actually, I think I might have done it today, too. I don't know."

Kowalski nodded. The smoking, frantically blinking CD-rom drive had a Styrofoam gas station travel mug crushed inside it. A stream of coffee had run down the side of the tower and accumulated in a puddle on the floor.

"Okay, I did do it again. But what I'm getting at, men, is that if there's someone out there who thinks they're getting a free ride off of our connection, it's up to us to set them straight. The hard way."

Rico vomited up a combination printer/copier machine and a baseball bat. He then began violently destroying the copier with the baseball bat.

"That's a good start, Rico," Skipper nodded. "That thing's lucky I'm not armed."

"Hmm. Skipper, it appears that our bandwidth has been restored," Kowalski announced.

Skipper put his wings on his hips.

"You don't say! Looks like our greedy little thief knows we're on to them. Well, we're all civilized adults here, and not the type to bear grudges, eh, Kowalski?"

Kowalski's eyes narrowed. He couldn't stop thinking about the way BriansGurl78 had hijacked his thread back in '93, with her insipid cooing over how "hot" Scott Bakula looked in blue jeans. That wasn't the point of the show _at all!_

"No, of… course not," he said unconvincingly.

"I say we let them go on their way. I'm sure the guilt at taking what wasn't theirs is punishment enough. Now, then, Private, time to sweep some mines!"

"Aye aye, Skipper!"

* * *

Julien was inconsolable.

"This is truly the worstest thing that has ever happened to me," he wailed as he curled up in a fetal position with his back to the laptop. "EVER!"

Maurice poked ineffectually at the unresponsive keys.

"Your Majesty, I don't know what went wrong! I mean, besides the fact that this is a sophisticated piece of technology and we had no idea what we were doing."

"I do not want to hear your excuses, Maurice! Leave me in peace, now."

"I'm really sorry," Maurice sighed. "Is there anything I can do?"

"No!" Julien snapped. "You have done enough! Leave me, now! And peel me some grapes. I am feeling a stress eating binge coming on. I am dangerously close to not even caring about my kingly figure. This is how distraught this has made me!"

Maurice sighed, walking away. He glanced over at Mort, who was whimpering and clutching his tail as he sat in front of the laptop.

"Mort, you can stop looking at it now. It's not coming back on," he said.

"Maybe it will! You don't know!" Mort whined.

"Yeah, you're right. I don't know," Maurice sighed quietly. "I don't know anything about it."

Maurice went behind the bar of the lemur's cabana and brought out a tray of assorted fruits. He set to the tedious job of peeling the tiny, juicy fruits.

As the minutes ticked by, punctuated by the occasional sniffle from Mort or the occasional deep sigh by Julien, the guilt within Maurice became all but unbearable.

"Why should I feel bad?" he said aloud. "I warned him. I warned both of them. That's what they get, fooling with a complicated machine like that."

Julien suddenly let out a half-laugh, and Maurice's ears pricked up.

"Your Majesty?" he asked. "What is it?"

"Oh, Maurice. It was nothing." Julien sighed, "I was just remembering how excited I was to create my little controlling game guy within the World of the Warcrafts. Remember that, Mort? Back when we had that magnificent computer machine?"

"Uh… uh-huh," Mort wailed.

"Yeah. Those were some good times, weren't they? What was your favorite part, Mort?"

Mort sniffled.

"Everything!" he cried.

"Yeah, me too. Maurice, what was your favorite part? Wait, don't tell me. I already know this one. It was when you carelessly crushed all of my hopes and dreams by breaking the computer, wasn't it?!"

Maurice growled.

"Hey, Mort, Mort," Julien said, "Do you remember how totally awesome it was when we set up that Space of Me account, and the guy who runs the site friended us within the first 30 seconds?"

"Yeah!" Mort wiped his eyes. "I felt so… so special!"

"Yeah. I tell you, Mort… in that moment, I felt as if I was a true citizen of the world. Connected to everyone, all at once. I was a part of them, and they, a part of me. Their pain was my pain. Their joy was my joy. I heard a baby cry, and when I woke up, I realized, that baby was me. I saw a man who had no shoes, and I cried, until I realized it was me with no shoes. Then, I cried also, because it was me with no shoes--"

"Gah! Enough! Enough!!" Maurice suddenly screamed, covering his ears. "I can't take it anymore!"

He took off running.

"Eh?! Where do you think you are going, Mister Computer Breaky man?! Eh?!" Julien called. "Off to break some more computers?! Probably! You're good at that!"

* * *

Seventeen games in a row, and Private had lost every one of them.

"It's harder than it looks," he murmured. "Thank goodness we don't have to deal with real mines, eh, Skipper?"

Skipper frowned.

"Well, thanks for ruining the surprise." He jumped into the window and gestured to Rico to stop laying down the minefield he had planned for Monday's training session.

"I can't believe I haven't won one game. What's the secret?" Private asked Kowalski, who was staring into space. "Erm, Kowalski?"

"Sorry, Private," Kowalski said, still staring into space. "I just thought of the best comeback for that nasty thing LakersRock94 said about my similarity to Rene Auberjonois."

"…Okay," was all Private could think of to say.

Suddenly, the door to the office was flung open. The penguins flew into a fighting stance, including Rico, who leapt in the window.

"All hands! Red alert!" Skipper barked.

A tense moment, and the intruder revealed himself to be none other than a frantically panting Maurice.

"You guys gotta help me!" the lemur rasped.

"Maurice?" Private asked.

"How did you find us?!" Skipper demanded.

"You left… a note… on the door… whoo! Give me a second, I gotta sit down."

"A note on the door?! That sounds pretty fishy to me. Kowalski?" Skipper looked to the other penguin.

"Ah, no. It's true, Skipper. We did leave a note on the door."

"Oh. Well, then, stand down red alert. I guess. And make a note: next time, no note on the door. For security reasons."

Private pushed the rolling computer chair over to Maurice, who gladly sat down.

"What is it, Maurice?" Private asked.

"Whoo. Just a second. Just a second. All that running. I ran the whole way. I can't believe it. Whew. Alright. Listen, you guys gotta help me out."

"Well, far be it from us to turn away a poor lost soul in need," Private said. "But why do I get the feeling that this is going to be unpleasant and complicated?"

"Because it is," Maurice grinned nervously.

* * *

"King Julien! Great news!" Maurice cried, running up to the still-curled up king. Skipper, Private and Rico followed; Kowalski had stayed behind to shut down the PC.

Julien glanced over at him, his eyes red, puffy and full of rage.

"Oh, what, Maurice? What is your great news? All I see is that you have brought spectators to bear witness to my shameful misery. Go away! Go away, all of you! The show is over!"

"No! No! Your Majesty, they're here to fix the computer! Aren't you guys?!" he turned to the penguins, a huge fake smile on his face, nodding emphatically.

"We said we'd take a look. We didn't promise any—" Skipper began.

"See?! They're gonna fix it!" Maurice cried, doing a little dance. "Gonna fix it, gonna fix it."

Mort's massive yellow eyes lit up. He flung himself at Skipper's feet.

"Please! Pleeeeeeease! You must fix it! You must!" the lemur screamed.

"I can't believe how much I hate the way it feels when he touches my feet," Skipper marveled.

"Now you see how I feel," Julien moaned. "But is it true?! You have come to lend your penguin-y cleverness to fixify my beauteous computer machine?!"

"Uh, sure, I mean, we'll give it a go, won't we?" Private asked the others.

Julien leapt to his feet.

"Oh, thank you! Thank you! I take back everything I ever said about you behind your backs just to get a cheap laugh!" He picked up the laptop and presented it to Skipper with a huge grin.

"Where did you get this?" Skipper asked.

"Sky spirits. It's nice, huh? You like it?" Julien smirked. "Wish you had one just like it? Green with envy, are we?"

"It's, uh… yeah, it's… nice, I don't know," Skipper shrugged. "What's wrong with it?"

"HE broke it," Julien snarled, pointing at Maurice. "Everything was going along great. We had downloaded 400 of movies. Beautiful copy of The World of the Craft of War! My every dream had been fulfilled, and all of a sudden—"

"Skipper!" Private exclaimed. "They must have been the ones stealing our bandwidth!"

"Not a bad theory, Private. But how can we prove it? And, actually, do we even care anymore?"

"Probably not. But it's nice to have that little mystery solved."

Julien put his hands on his hips.

"Okay, I was talking," he said irritably. "Are you going to let me finish now?"

"I think we understand, Ringtail. You abused the computer and made it die with your mistreatment and neglect," Skipper waved him off.

"No! No, that is not what happened at all! I will tell to you what really happened. It all started when—"

Suddenly, a high pitched shriek cut him off. He gritted his teeth, balled his fists and turned to Mort.

"Mort, we could do without the interruptions, thank you!" Julien snapped.

"It wasn't me!" Mort whined.

"Oh, sure, sure. It wasn't you. Who else in all the land can make such a screamy, girlish screamy scream come from their mouth? Eh?!"

All of a sudden, Kowalski dashed into the lemur habitat, his eyes agog. He let out a piercing shriek of absolute ecstasy, and the others quickly realized that he was the one who had screamed the first time.

"Where did you get that?!" he screamed, snatching up the laptop. "Can it be?! It is! It IS! A Sariji Motoficial Lite XR-750Z?! Oh, sweet Turing, It's even more luminous in person!"

Kowalski sat down on the ground, opened the laptop and hit the power button, a little gasp escaping from his beak as he did so. The system began to purr as it booted into BIOS. He moaned with bliss as the Sariji logo flashed on the screen.

"My entire life up to now… was mere rehearsal for this moment," he whispered, wiping a tear from his eye.

In an instant, Julien, Mort and Maurice surrounded him.

"It's alive!" Mort screamed.

"It's a sky spirit miracle!" Julien wept.

"It-- Wait, that's all you had to do?" Maurice asked.

The Windows logo flashed on the screen, and the three lemurs gasped in unison.

And then, the screen went blue. Mort and Julien screamed.

"No! No! That is what happened last time! It is dead! Dead!" Julien moaned.

"It was so young!" Mort wailed.

Kowalski harshly shh'd them.

"It's not dead," he snapped. "But it has been through a heart-rending ordeal, if this scan is any indication. There, there, darling. Don't worry, I'm here. You're alright now. Just a quick scandisk and a defrag and you'll be good as new, you'll see."

Julien put his hands on his hips.

"Eh, I am not liking the way you are talking to my computer. You are getting pretty cozy. The sky spirits gifted it to me, not you penguins."

"Man, let him talk to it any way he wants to, if it'll fix the stupid thing!" Maurice snapped.

Julien, Mort and Kowalski gasped in unison at the insult to the laptop.

"Don't listen to that mean, nasty man," Kowalski whispered into the microphone jack. "Don't listen. Oh, you're so smooth…"

"It's true," Mort sighed. "It is smooth."

Scandisk finished, and the lemurs held their breath as the screen went blank again.

"He killed it," Mort whispered. "He killed it again!"

"No, he didn't," Maurice hissed. "Just wait!"

"He did. Desire has blinded him. If he can not have it, no one can," Julien snapped.

And then, Windows booted up. The Vista welcome theme flowed from the speakers, and Kowalski wiped away another tear.

"Oh, be still my heart. This setup… Dual boot with Red Hat Linux and Vista. The problem likely originated in Vista," Kowalski smirked, "Where else? So we'll go from there."

"Yes, yes, get going to there, then! And hurry it up!" Julien snapped.

"So, uh," Skipper said impatiently. "We're kind of… not really doing anything, here, so, I think we're gonna go. That okay with you guys?"

No one answered, and in another second, the three penguins belly-slid away.

* * *

5:56 AM.

Julien and Mort had fallen asleep long ago. Maurice had ineffectually offered Kowalski a drink for the seventh time, and been turned down for the seventh time, so he now contented himself with eating the grapes he had peeled for Julien.

Kowalski was in utter rapture as he did maintenance on the computer. He rarely blinked, and he never looked away. He often found himself tenderly stroking the side of the display panel.

"Oh, Maurice," Kowalski said suddenly. "Do you know how long it's been since I last felt such a rush of absolute bliss while using a computer?"

"Uh… well, no. I don't really know you that well," Maurice said awkwardly.

"Ah," Kowalski sighed, tilting his head back. "Too long. Too long."

"So, uh, you really like this thing, then?"

"Mmm, ohh," Kowalski shook his head. "Yes."

"So, uh… it's gonna be all fixed, then? All fixed and good and… fixed?" Maurice sat down in front of the computer.

"Technically, it was never broken. It most likely just… simply overheated. After I'm done here, it will be good as new. Maybe even a little better!"

Maurice smiled.

"You don't say. Hey, no problem, then! Whoo! That is a relief! King Julien is going to be one happy man. How soon before she's all fixed up and ready to go? Ooh! You think we could get WoW all set up and ready to go before he wakes up?"

Kowalski's eye twitched involuntarily.

"You know," he cleared his throat, "Maurice… computers are highly sophisticated tools. They aren't designed for carelessness and rough use."

"Heh, yeah, well, you know Julien. He was dropping that thing all over the place."

Kowalski let out a horrified squeak.

"And you see how the corner's all bashed in?" Maurice laughed. "Yeah, actually, that one was me. But hey, you said it wasn't broken!"

"It's… not, but…"

"But what?" Maurice's eyes narrowed.

"Well, nothing, really. It's just that…"

"Listen, man, I brought you guys here so you could fix the computer. I mean, hey, I'm glad you're having fun and all, but it ain't your computer. It's Julien's. So, uh, I wouldn't get too attached to it, if you know what I mean."

Kowalski tried not to look deeply hurt. It didn't work.

"Perhaps… you're right," he finally managed to say. "I apologize, Maurice. I got a little carried away, didn't I?"

"Heh. Yeah. Yeah, I guess you did. But, hey, no harm, no foul, right?"

"Indeed, indeed. Ah, Maurice, you know, I may just take you up on that kind and generous offer of a refreshing beverage after all," Kowalski said.

"Yeah? Oh, hey, sure." Maurice walked over to the mini fridge, his back to Kowalski. "What'd you like? We got Mango Phizz, Super Glug, Mega Chug, uh, ooh, we got Super Glug with Lime. Here's a nice Tastee-Chill—"

He turned around, can in hand.

And Kowalski was gone. And so was the laptop.

"Hello?" Maurice asked, tiptoeing out from around the bar. "Hello?! Oh, jeez. Okay, Maurice, don't panic. Don't panic, I'm sure he just went to…"

He looked over the wall just in time to see Kowalski and the laptop turn the corner, going at top speed.

"Okay, he stole it."

"He stole it?!" Mort screamed.

"Gah!" Maurice cried. "When did you wake up?"

"I didn't. I'm still sleeping. I'm dreaming about penguin stealing the computer." Mort said groggily.

"Yeah, that's it, Mort. You're just having a dream. You're just having a dream. Oh, man. I gotta get that thing back before King Julien wakes up."

"Read me a story?" Mort mumbled. "Nice story… Take Mort's mind off the horrible penguin…"

"What—no!" Maurice exhaled sharply, and then leapt over the fence.

"…Stole my computer…" Mort face planted on the ground, snoring loudly.

* * *

"Don't worry, we're almost home," Kowalski was saying to the laptop as he ran. "We're almost there. Oh, the power you have over me. This is so wrong, so very, very wrong… but I just can't let that Luddite lemur make you old and feeble before your time. You deserve better, so much better. Oh, you deserve me. We deserve each other--!"

Maurice suddenly dropped out of a tree in front of him. The lemur struck a half-hearted martial arts pose, but then immediately shrunk back down in the face of a penguin that he knew could kick his butt without really trying.

"Maurice!" Kowalski hissed. "Now, I know how this all must look, but you've got to understand-"

"The only thing I _understand_ is that if I don't get that computer back to King Julien in working order, before he wakes up, he is going to make my life miserable! So just give it back and there won't be any trouble. I'll forget the whole thing."

"I'm… sorry, Maurice. I can't. I just … can't. A computer like this comes along once… maybe twice in a lifetime." Kowalski blinked back tears. "I had a computer just like this once, you see. Her name… was Tiffany."

"What?! I don't care! You're not listening to me—"

Kowalski wasn't listening.

"Of course I named her, because, you see, to me, she was as real as you or me. She was more than just a machine. She had a soul! She was a Compaq LTE 5100 with 8 MB RAM, a 1 GB hard drive. She ran Windows 3.1. I bought a brand new 14.4 modem just for her. Oh, how we loved to read the Quantum Leap newsgroups together. She ran like a beautiful stallion on a rocky cliff in the dew of the early morning."

"Okay," was all Maurice could think of to say. Despite himself, he was oddly drawn into the penguin's emphatic retelling of… whatever it was he was retelling. Maurice wasn't entirely sure at that point.

"Fast," Kowalski clarified.

"Oh, okay. Right. Fast."

"Yes, I felt like, as long as I had Tiffany by my side, there was nothing I couldn't do. And so I did it all. Everything that could be accomplished with a high-end laptop computer in 1993, I did, and I did it well."

"1993? Wait… how old ARE you?!"

Kowalski frowned.

"That information is classified."

"Of course it is. Okay, so… what happened?"

Kowalski sighed, his back turned to Maurice.

"Time. Time is what happened."

"Come again?" Maurice raised an eyebrow.

"Time. It got a hold of her, and no matter what I did, I couldn't free her from its grasp. First it was… little things. A .743 second delay at startup was how it began. Then the occasional floppy disk read error. Her ports began to wear out with constant use. The disk read errors were more than occasional. The A: drive failed completely." He sighed deeply, a shaky sigh. "I knew… the end was coming. I tried to be strong for her. I didn't want to let her see me cry, but that last month or so, when I had to use a tape backup… oh. She knew. She was so brave, Maurice. She died the way she had lived, with her eyes wide open."

Maurice wasn't sure how to respond, but backing up slowly seemed to be a good place to start.

"By that, I mean, her monitor still powered up."

Maurice nodded.

"And, oh! What kind of justice is it, that I, while still young, watched her grow old, infirm, and ultimately obsolete… and could do nothing to prolong her vitality? When she was gone, I kept abreast of advances in computer technology, as my position demanded… but my passion for PCs died with Tiffany."

Maurice could tell that Kowalski was wrapping it up, and he took an opportunity to interject,

"So, um… that's all… real interesting, um… but, what does it have to do with King Julien's laptop?"

Kowalski shook his head.

"Maurice, in this laptop, so many years later, I see so much of Tiffany. Her spunk, her vigor, her determination! That she could survive such mistreatment at the hands of Julien and still purr like a kitten… Maurice, don't you understand? This is my chance to try again! To start over!"

"But I told you already! Julien thinks it's his! He already downloaded like 400 movies onto the darn thing—"

Kowalski shrieked and clutched the laptop to his chest.

"400… pirated movies?!"

"Well, we didn't pay nothing for 'em. So, I guess, yeah. Pirated. That's what it's called?"

"That's illegal!"

"Man, we're animals! What are they going to do to us?"

"No! No! I won't allow it! I won't allow you to taint her again with your filthy bootlegged wares!"

Maurice let out an exasperated breath.

"Look, man, I really don't want any trouble, here, but if you're not gonna be reasonable—"

"Maurice, this defies all reason!"

"Don't… don't make me come… over there." Maurice didn't even try to sound threatening. "I… mean it. I guess."

"It's no use, Maurice. She's mine, and I'm never going to let her go! Nev-augthh!"

During their exchange, neither of them had noticed the fact that the zoo had opened to early morning visitors, and as a result, Zookeeper Alice was on the premises, in search of that missing laptop that that famous author had accidentally left on the bench outside the lemur habitat the day before.

Fortunately, Skipper, Private and Rico had. The three of them body-slammed Kowalski and Maurice into the bushes just as Alice turned the corner, and in the process, the laptop was flung out of Kowalski's grip and onto the pavement.

"No!" Kowalski cried as Alice let out a little grunt of surprise and picked up the laptop. The other penguins held him back.

"Wow. Found it on my first go-around," Alice muttered as she turned the laptop around in her hands. "Well, all I can say is, there better be a reward in it for me."

"Let me go, you brutes!" Kowalski snapped as he struggled to free himself. "Don't any of you understand?!"

"I understand, alright," Skipper snapped back. "I understand that you've lost it! Rico, duct tape!"

Rico vomited up a yellow rubber duckie.

"Duct tape, Rico! Duct! Not duck!" Skipper yelled.

"Aww," Rico muttered, swallowing the duckie with a loud "squeak".

Kowalski, however, had ceased his struggling, and he sighed.

"Alright, alright. I'm fine. I'm good. The… duct tape won't be necessary. I'm sorry, Skipper. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, soldier," Skipper said. "Be less… completely insane!"

"I know, Skipper. I know. Oh, Tiffany," Kowalski moaned, wiping his eyes. "I have corrupted your memory. I was weak, Tiffany. Please, forgive me."

"Tiffany? Who's… who's Tiffany?" Private asked.

"Oh, Private. It's… a long story," Kowalski sighed.

"Oh, sure, you don't mind telling me the whole thing. I didn't even ask for it," Maurice growled. "Look, you guys, we gotta get—"

"Regardless," Skipper said, an eyebrow raised, "You don't go up against a human over a material object! Not unless you want to go down, and I mean hard."

"Well, if he won't, I will!" Maurice suddenly exclaimed, peering through the bushes with haunted eyes. "We gotta get that laptop back!"

"Say again, portly lemur?" Skipper asked.

"I said we gotta get that thing back before King Julien—"

"Maurice!" Julien's voice was coming from directly behind him, and he whirled around, only to find himself face to face with the lemur king.

"Augh! King Julien!" Maurice screamed. "You gotta believe me! It wasn't my fault! It was that psychotic penguin! He stole it! He wouldn't give it back! And then Alice came out of nowhere! My tux came back late from the cleaners! I ran out of gas! There was a terrible flood! Locusts! It wasn't my fault, I swear to--"

Julien held up an impatient hand.

"Eh, Maurice, Maurice. It is too early in the morning to be listening to you and your incessant yapping. All of the words are jumbling together in my head and making no sense! It is not pretty. Now be shutting your yap yap and listening to me. Both at the same time."

"But I… It's the… Okay," Maurice wilted.

"Okay? We are all listening to me? Eh? All of us? You penguins listen, too. This is an important announcement. I would call a press conference but, eh, I prefer to keep it informal. I am just one of the guys, after all. We are all just friends, hanging out after the big footed ball game. We are all on each other's cellular telephone plans and things of that nature. Informal. Now all of you be quiet and listen or I will have you beheaded."

Everyone listened.

"Okay. It is now coming to me that I have decided that the whole computer thing? It is so last year. Why am I to be wasting my time sitting all day long on my booty, with that big, hot, heavy thing upon my lap? I say to you with the absolute certainty, the whole computer thing is over. It will never be catching on. I am priding myself on being ahead of the curve. Fashion forward. On top of all the trends. It is for that reason that I am saying, enough with the information super highway. Maurice, throw it away. Get it out of my sight; I do not want to see it anymore. I have found something better, newer and more completely awesome than that silly old computer machine could ever be."

No one said anything. Maurice's eyes widened to the point where a stray breeze could have knocked them out of their sockets.

Julien frowned.

"Eh, what? No one wants to know what I have found? I'll give you all a hint: papier-mâché. Okay? There is your hint. But no more hints, or that would totally ruin it. Okay. Maybe one more hint. What the heck. The other hint is: Maurice, go now to collect for me the newspapers and the balloons so I can make the papier-mâché. Hurry, now, Maurice! Newspapers! Newspapers now!"

Julien disappeared again, leaving Maurice and the penguins in his wake.

"Well, that certainly was unexpected," Skipper said. "All's well that ends well, I guess. Listen, boys, since Rico went to all the trouble of setting up this replica minefield for us, be a shame to let it go to waste. Eh, Private?"

Private laughed nervously.

"I've never won yet," he said.

"That was only a simulation! I think you'll find you do a lot better job when it's the real thing."

"Kablammo!" Rico yelled.

"Oh, dear…"

Maurice and Kowalski could only look at each other.

"The… irony," Kowalski said, his eye twitching.

"I'll say," Maurice tried to laugh. It came out a scream. "That was pretty ironic, alright."

"I imagine there's a…" Kowalski swallowed, "A lesson in all this, somewhere. But I'm so racked with self-pity and regret, I can't find it."

"Well, uh… you still want that drink?" Maurice pulled the can of Lime Super Glug out from seemingly nowhere. "It got kinda warm, but it's still limey as ever."

Kowalski was touched.

"Thank you, Maurice," he said, taking the can and popping it open. With a deep sigh, he raised the can. "To Tiffany, and to October 1st. Whenever it may come."

"Yeah, I have no idea what that means," Maurice said.

* * *

"Oh, you found it!" cried the owner of the laptop, a dowdy brunette woman in a long skirt. She clutched the laptop to her ample chest. "Thank you so much. I'll have to be a little more careful next time, won't I?"

Alice nodded expectantly, coughing a little.

The laptop's owner simply turned and left, gleefully skipping across the zoo grounds.

"Oh, oh. Yeah. That's great. No reward. Yeah, hey! Thanks for nothing!" Alice yelled, storming off to go feed the elephants. "Hey, by the way, your books suck!"

The bench outside the penguin's habitat proved to be an even better place for her to do her writing, the laptop's owner quickly discovered, as she settled down next to the quiet little pond and opened the laptop to assess its condition.

The wallpaper was different. The desktop was cluttered with an obscene number of icons. Defrag had been running, but paused when the system went on standby.

"Oh, man! What happened to you, baby?" the woman asked the laptop, horror in her voice. "Somebody messed you up but good. Bootleg movies? Ooh, Seduction and Betrayal. Well, I might keep that one…"

She quickly set to work deleting all the files off the desktop.

"Well, at least they had the decency to defragment. Don't worry, though, Debbie. I learned my lesson. I'll never leave you again. Ever."

A tear dropped onto the keyboard, and she rubbed her nose and looked around self-consciously. No one had heard her, of course. No one was around to hear her, except for those penguins, but she still felt a little foolish. Talking to a computer like that.

She sniffled a bit, and then went back to work. Debbie the laptop had already started slowing down at startup, so she knew she would really have to baby it if she wanted the machine to survive to see the debut of Windows 7.

That was the problem with computers.

* * *

FIN


End file.
